The Groupon Guide to: Treating Allergies

The number of people suffering from allergies continues to expand rapidly as our coddled immune systems grow ever more slothful in the wake of designer medications that convert germs and viruses into useful additional body hair. Protect yourself from nonparasitic antigens with these tips:

Know Your Enemy: Common allergic reactions include runny nose, itchy eyes, and mild anxiety about your future. If you experience any of those symptoms, you are allergic to all of the following: cat hair, dander, the feelings of others, peanuts, magic tricks, outdated maps, and sunshine. You might also be allergic to glass shards, but you won’t know until you eat some.

Self-Medicate: Just as the only way to cure a snakebite is to bite the snake back (its blood is immune to the poison), you can rid yourself of your allergies through prolonged exposure. For instance, if you’re allergic to cats, fill an empty swimming pool with strays and then live in a tent at the bottom for a week.

Curing the World: More Americans are killed by bee stings each year than die in every other way combined, but you can put an end to bee allergies by putting an end to bees. It would be impossible to wipe out every bee using force, but you can spit at every beehive you see—the bees will register your contempt and will eventually die of sadness.